


He had to be perfect

by Feralpoet



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Parenting, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29757768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feralpoet/pseuds/Feralpoet
Summary: Aaron is not as strong as he appears. He has a secret battle he faces every day hidden in the depths of his past.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia/Derek Morgan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	He had to be perfect

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first longer fanfiction. I've been rolling this idea around for a while and finally forced myself to write it down even when I wasn't sure where it was going. I think I'm content with it but there could be a possible sequel in the future. I did my own editing so apologies if I missed something.

He had to be perfect. He grew up getting perfection beaten into him every day. Aaron straightened his tie as he made his way out of the elevator and flicked his eyes at the tousled hair and wide eyed doctor in the corner. If there ever was a picture of complete chaos Spencer was it. He resembles everything Aaron was taught not to be. His lips turn in a frown and Spencer glances away quickly. How he wishes he could have that imperfection for himself. 

Aaron goes into his office and shuts the door. It's quiet, the light ticking of his grandmother's cuckoo clock in the corner was the only sound he could hear. He strides to his desk and sits down in his leather chair and gets to work.  
At the middle of the day when Aaron steps out of his office, ready to hunt down some food for lunch, he hears the team bantering back and forth, bouncing ideas for a profile around on a cold case they are dabbling in. Aaron glances over at Reid listening to his theory while watching the way his hair curls wildly in all directions. His father never let him grow his hair even an inch too long. The haircut he has now is the same one he's had his entire life. Spencer flicks his eyes up catching Aaron staring, he holds his gaze before Aaron turns away. What is he doing staring at a co-worker? He knows better not to stare. Aaron shuts his eyes tightly holding the bridge of his nose feeling the waves of a headache coming on.  
“Hotch? Are you okay?” Morgan asks  
Aaron opens his eyes, blinking against the harsh light. He sees the worried look in his subordinate's eyes and notices everyone else has cleared the room, leaving for lunch.  
“Yes, of course, just thinking”  
Morgan looks at him full of doubt. Aaron gives him a quick nod and starts towards the elevators, the only thing that'll get Morgan to drop it is action and it works as the large man shakes his head and moves on. Aaron appreciates Morgan's natural empathy. It's a rare trait in people these days but he can't show signs of weakness to his team, he needs to be a strong leader for them yet some days Aaron feels like he'll never be strong enough.

Later on that afternoon Aaron leaves his office to join his team for a while, taking a break from all the political bull shit he deals with within the system. His team are enjoying themselves. It's a beautiful summer day after the longest winter they've had in a while and so far nothing new has come up so they have just been working on piles of paperwork and pulling long looks out the windows. Morgan is laying in his seat, listening to music and occasionally shooting him worried glances that Aaron was trying to ignore. Spencer's leg is jumping up and down rapidly while flipping through a book. His hair wobbles lightly with the movements. Aaron watches his fingers slip through the pages like water. It's comforting until Aaron sees Spencer staring back at him. He sighs and moves his head slowly to the side, breaking eye contact, trying to be casual. His heart beats faster as he feels adrenaline crackling through his legs and up into his chest. 

Stop staring!! 

He can almost feel the rough hand slapping his face and smell the bourbon on his dad's breath. 

"Aaron, stop staring" his father slaps his face harshly  
He whips his head to the side feeling the stinging burn through his nerves. He doesn't even remember staring but his father insists that he was. He looks away from the window at the boys playing outside and turns back to his homework. He's already finished along with the extra credit but his dad hasn't noticed and for that he was grateful. The last thing he wanted to do was start on his father's long list of other demands. It's always been this way for as long as he could remember. He could never understand why all of his friends at school would talk about their dads as if they were heros, if this was a story...

his father would be the villain. 

Rossi saddles up to Aaron popping a grape in his mouth. Red. Aaron rolls his eyes, not his favourite. 

"Hey Aaron, how are you doing?" 

"Better than you I imagine" Aaron sips on his coffee "how can you eat those?"

"What do you have against grapes?"

"Nothing, just not a fan of the red ones, too dry."

Dave chuckles and looks out across the bullpen. Reid just flicked something into Prentiss' hair via mini homemade catapult while Morgan was distracting her. Aaron sees when Prentiss notices and turns to playfully attack Reid. Reid starts laughing and defending himself with a calculator. Aaron smiles and turns to Dave forgetting himself. Dave is watching him with a funny look on his face. Aaron's smile falls and he turns away from the joyful scene. 

"Enjoy your nasty grapes" and he heads straight back into his office. His shell of protection.

Aaron loses himself in paperwork and before he knows it the clock tells him the rest of the team should already be gone for the day so he puts the finishing touches on the last file and shuts down his computer. Aaron's shoulders slump and he lets out a long sigh as his eyes drift to the window. He remembers that day so long ago. All he wanted to do was go outside and play. He shakes his head lightly and stands up grabbing his briefcase and walks out of his office turning the lights off and shutting the door. In the bullpen he was surprised to still see Reid tapping away on his keyboard with a furrowed brow and his lips sucked in, nibbling away.

"You should be careful otherwise your face will get stuck that way" Aaron smiles

Reid startles and looks up. He grins and Aaron's heart skips a beat.

"I should say the same for you but it's scientifically impossible, now if you keep making a certain face for long periods of time you could affect muscle memory and possibly train your face to fall into thar position naturally" 

Aaron chuckles and readjusts his briefcase to his other arm feeling a bit spontaneous he asks  
"Are you hungry?" And he almost chokes on the last syllable.

Reid looks at Aaron with caution. Aaron can hardly blame him. He's never asked anyone to get food with him except Rossi and that hasn't happened in a long time.

"Yes I am, would you like to go to the Clubside cafe?" Reid suggests hurriedly, not wanting anything fancy

Spencer isn't looking Aaron in the eyes as he busily shuts down his computer and stands grabbing his jacket and tote. Aaron makes his way over to Spencer and they fall into step "that sounds great, I haven't been there in a long time." 

"Sir, My friends are meeting at Sweets Cafe at five to study for our finals, may I go?" 

Mr. Hotchner sets his empty glass down  
"Have you finished your chores?"

"Yes sir"

"Have you done your exercises?" 

"Yes sir" 

Aaron had ticked off his chore list and immediately went outside to do his cardio and weight lifting right after school hoping his father would agree to let him go. His friends at school, Brian and Seth, invited him to the new cafe in town. It's where all the cool kids go to hang out and eat pancakes, the cheapest thing off the menu, and drink egg creams or sometimes coffee. Aaron had befriended these two guys and waited for his invite with the patience of a saint and today the most glorious thing happened, the golden invitation. He was thrumming with nerves, adjusting his stance and tapping his fingers nervously against his leg waiting for his father's response. 

"Stop moving" his father hasn't even looked over at him. Aaron takes a deep breath and let's it out slowly as he adjusts his stance. Feet together, arms behind his back and fixes his eyes on a picture hanging up on the wall. Aaron waits patiently as his father sways to his feet, stumbling back a bit. His whiskey glass still in his hand, almost empty. 

"Drop and give me fifty"

Aaron slides to the floor with ease and starts the pushups. 

"Hotch?" Reid is looking at him. They're both in front of the cafe, Aaron has no clue how they got there, he pushes the door open holding it for Reid as they walk in. A waitress seats them and Aaron opens the menu glancing at the drinks, they make egg creams. 

"Have you ever had an egg cream?"

"The egg cream came from Yiddish-speaking Eastern European Jewish immigrants in New York City, so one explanation says that egg is a corruption of the Yiddish echt 'genuine or real', making an egg cream a "good cream".

Aaron chuckles "yeah but, have you had one?" 

"No, I've never had the chance to" Reid scans the menu "I'm thinking a French dip with fries"

When the waitress comes over Aaron orders for them "two egg creams, one French dip with fries and an order of pancakes with hash browns and eggs, over hard"

She takes their menus and walks off. After they talk about the usual safe simple topics about the weather and such Spencer gathers up the courage to ask his big question.

"Are you okay Hotch? You have been acting different, getting lost in thought" 

Aaron stops a shudder and stares at Reid blankly trying to come up with something. 

"Headaches…. tension headaches"

"Headaches? You never seem in pain. You just stop paying attention for a while. You know there's a type of seizure similar to…"

"I'm not having a seizure" Aaron cuts him off 

"it's just…. We all have been noticing" 

Great, Aaron thought, now my team is talking about me, worried about my mental health. I'll end up like grandma Dunaway, alone with my dog, popping whatever pills my doctor gives me to forget, just to forget. 

"Oh? You're the first to tell me that" 

"Well, no one feels comfortable enough to ask you and we just figured Rossi would eventually" 

"well Reid, I've had a lot on my mind lately and I guess it's starting to show" 

"What's going on, Hotch?"

"I…"

Just then the waitress shows up with their food and drinks and walks off. Aaron slides the chocolate drink over to him. 

"Here's your chance, time to pop your egg cream cherry"

Reid's cheeks flush a bit when Aaron realizes how he overstepped with a subordinate. He watches Reid's lips pucker around the straw and he stifles a groan. He lifts off the straw.

"It's carbonated" 

Aaron laughs and Reid gets a funny look. Aaron clears his throat "do you like it?"

"I do yeah, they don't make this kind of thing in Las Vegas unless it's spiked with vodka" Reid moves the drink away and starts devouring his food. 

After they finish their meals and squabble over who is paying, Aaron wins after pointing out it was his suggestion in the first place and agreeing to let Reid pay next time, they head out. 

Aaron has butterflies in his stomach thinking about a potential next time as they go to their own vehicles he hardly notices what Reid is saying until he hears the word therapist. Aaron looks up at Reid, his smile dropping. 

"What?"

Reid stutters as he repeats his suggestion that Aaron might want to see a therapist. His heart contracts a bit as the pieces fall together. Reid only agreed to dinner because he's concerned about Aaron, not because…. Of other things. 

He stops in his tracks and looks at Reid carefully. If he's going to go anywhere with this man he needs to be honest. 

"I am seeing a therapist Reid, I believe everyone can benefit from going to one." There, honesty without admitting cause. This is a huge step for him.

"Oh, I didn't realize you were. You just seem so distracted these days and you won't open up to anybody" 

"Just because I keep my life private from my team doesn't mean I don't talk to anybody. Have a good night Reid" and Aaron slips into his SUV and pulls away before Reid can stop him. 

Reid watches Hotch drive off knowing he just messed something up. To be so close to Hotch in a personal setting was new. He wasn't sure why Hotch asked him to dinner but he wasn't about to turn down his first opportunity to get somewhere with his longtime crush but as he watches his taillights disappear Spencer suspects he just ruined his chances at a repeat. 

He sighs as he unlocks his rust bucket and slips in. It's true he's been concerned about Hotch for a while now. Something has been bothering the unit chief ever since their last case and the cracks seem to be getting wider. Spencer drives home deep in thought. 

Aaron unlocks his door and walks in turning the lights on. He sets his gun and wallet down and walks over to make himself a drink when he hears the familiar click of a bullet sliding into the cylinder of a barrel.

The aftermath of Foyet's reign was a disaster. The team rallied behind their boss and elected Reid to nanny. Penelope normally would but her hands were tied up helping her mother-in-law out. Morgan was relieved, normally he would take care of his mom's doctor visits but with Hotch being out he had to play leader. Reid took time off to tend to him during the days until he was able to be mobile on his own.

Pain, red hot searing pain. He feels like his insides were torn out and played with and then childishly put back together. Flashes of that night keep crackling through his mind as he remembers bits and pieces. He can still feel the knife. Can still hear Foyet's laughter. He glances at his chest and torso and sees all the bandaging through his shirt. He's going to have so many scars.

One day while Reid was reading by Aaron's bed, he slowly opens his eyes and stares at the wall for a long time, brooding over his father. Reid kept glancing up here and there to watch him but kept quiet and didn't press. Finally Aaron spoke, his voice croaky. "Now I'll never be perfect" he stated, then fell back asleep with a smile.

Spencer thought it was strange but chalked it up to sleepiness. Dreaming.

After that things seemed to get better. Aaron is more light hearted and even breaks a smile or two without stopping and looking shameful or surprised. Spencer brings a cribbage board over and a few other games. They play for hours. They open up about their childhoods, each dark and challenging in their own way. They share personal fears. Reid talks about his mom, he explains the day he admitted her and how terrifying it was. Aaron whispers about his father and how the only touches he received from him were painful, his hand, belt, anything close by that was heavy and blunt. Spencer holds him as Aaron cries silently.

They both admit how terrified they are of failing the team.

Aaron had no clue the depths of emotions Spencer had in regards to all of them.  
Spencer didn't realize how much Aaron struggled, he always seemed so pulled together. 

One day, weeks into the recovery, Spencer comes over after work and doesn't see Hotch, Aaron, he reminds himself, they agreed on stepping past the formalities at this point. Spencer walks down the hall calling out Aaron's name softly, a sick feeling settling in his stomach as he reaches for his gun.

"In here" Aaron calls from the study

Spencer stops and lets out a sigh of relief, putting his gun back in his holster before he enters the room. Aaron is sitting at his desk but instead of paperwork he's working on a model of a tiny ship. Aaron has his face up close to a magnifying glass and tweezers in his hand while he delicately slips railing on the stern. 

"Have you been working on that all day?"

Such an innocent question but he sees Aaron's shoulders tense as he drops the tweezers and the railing falls. Aaron stands up from the chair stuttering about the dishes he cleaned earlier and how he vacuumed and dusted and...

"Aaron" Spencer grabs Aaron's hands, stopping him gently "I wasn't accusing you of being lazy, I was impressed that you were doing something fun and I was hopeful you'd been doing something fun for hours" 

Aaron's cheeks turn red and he looks away with shame in his eyes. Spencer watches him for a while but the other man doesn't speak so Spencer gathers him in his arms and holds him tightly. Aaron is tense in his arms at first but slowly relaxes as time passes. "Thank you Spence" 

Spencer feels butterflies in his stomach as he glances down at this beautiful man. Before he can change his mind Spencer dips his head and takes Aaron's lips with his own. 

He's kissing me, he's really kissing me, is all Aaron can think as he responds enthusiastically in return.

They both melt into one another collectively easing up as they come to terms that the other wants what they themselves want. Spencer slips his arms around Aaron tighter and Aaron grabs Spencer's ass pressing him closer. Spencer backs Aaron against the wall gently roaming his hand down Aaron's side making sure to avoid his problem areas. He moans into his mouth and nips down Aaron's neck. Aaron tilts his head back, baring his throat for Spencer. Aaron presses his hips to Spencer rubbing his hardness against him. Spencer grapples with Aaron's pants and slowly slips them down allowing Aaron time to protest. When Aaron shows no sign of pulling away Spencer grabs onto Aaron's dick and starts jerking him off. 

The doorbell chimes making them freeze in place. 

"Who the fuck is that?" Aaron grouses

Spencer scrambles to cover Aaron up accidently bumping his torso. Aaron doesn't make a sound and Spencer looks at him apologising profusely. 

"Didn't hurt" Aaron grunts

"We're revisiting that reaction" Spencer whispers over his shoulder as he runs out of the room to answer the door. 

The whole team is standing at the doorsteps bickering amongst themselves, they all stop immediately when the door swings open. 

Spencer stares at them dumbly. Morgan is holding a pan full of lasagna in one hand with his arm swung over his wife, Penelope's shoulders. Emily is texting on her phone, JJ and her husband are holding grocery bags and flowers and Rossi has a couple bottles of what looked to be expensive wine. 

"Surprise!" They all shout and walk past Spencer to get inside "come in" Spencer mumbles moving to the side, out of the way. They all congregate in the kitchen along where Hotch was. 

Aaron came to the doorway and Spencer was fixated on him. He was just holding that man's dick in his hands. He felt himself stirring down below and quickly got busy helping put things away and turning the oven on for the lasagna to warm up.

"Hotch!" Penelope exclaims happily, "how fairs our wonderful leader?"

"I'm doing well Garcia" Aaron says honestly

Penelope hurries over with Morgan in tow to help Aaron sit down. He normally would shrug off the extra help but he allows it, for Garcia mainly.

Later on after they have all found spots to claim around the table and at the bar Aaron finds himself overwhelmed. His team is full of boisterous love and laughter and also full of concern. It was too much. They all toasted to his health with wine and dug into the lasagna Penelope made from scratch. They start catching Aaron up on the work gossip, Penelope always had the juiciest. He was trying his hardest to pay attention and act normal but his torso was throbbing, each cut felt raw and itchy. His head was pounding and he could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead. After all the days of quiet with Spencer, this was beyond what he could handle and Aaron was starting to doubt his self-control.

Spencer could see Aaron wasn't good. It's weird how he could notice the subtle hints, he never could before. Aaron hadn't said anything for quite some time, he was just chuckling at the team's antics. He kept rubbing his hands up and down his thighs which Spencer noticed was an act of self comfort for Aaron a while ago. He looked slightly pale and Spencer was starting to get angry. He scoots out from the table and starts cleaning things off. 

"That was a great recipe Penelope and Rossi, thank you for the wine" he almost shouts

Morgan gives Reid a funny look and stands up slowly

"Let me help you with that pretty boy"

JJ and Will get up saying they should get going, the babysitter has someplace to be soon and they head out after saying goodbye to Aaron. Emily's phone starts ringing and she rolls her eyes when she looks at the caller ID. "Mom, she's called me twice now. Hotch? I've got to get out of here. Get better soon and we'll be waiting for your return" she kisses his cheek lightly and walks out briskly already dialing her Mom back.

"Well my fellow God like entity, I hope you are getting enough to eat. We bought some groceries for you guys just in case"

"She almost bought out the whole store!" Morgan shouts from the bathroom, taking a leak.

"shush your face my love!" Penelope jingles

"I'm taking off kid, you call me if there's anything you need help with" Rossi grabs his jacket and walks out

After Rossi left, Penelope and Morgan followed behind him making sure everything was cleaned up before they left. A few hugs and kisses later Spencer hears their car start up and leave. He checks through the shades, eyes narrowed, yup, all gone.

"Can you explain what that was about?" Aaron asks as he steps in the living room slowly. 

Spencer turns around looking sheepish "you were exhausted and I wanted them to leave so you could rest" 

"How did you know?" Aaron sits down carefully in the clock and pats the spot next to him, Spencer sits down beside, him gathering Aaron in his arms. 

"you have tells"

"Do I?" Aaron gets comfortable against Spencer's chest

"Most people aren't aware they have any, that's why I try to learn them so I can gauge better what might be going on."

"I had no idea you were such a people watcher"

"When you have spent as much time as I have not having friends then yeah, you come up with ways to entertain yourself. But also growing up in Vegas you learn if you can read people well then your success rate goes up."

"How many casinos did you get 86'd from?"

"All in Vegas, Laughlin, and Pahrump, but that's not why I'm not allowed, it's because of my card counting abilities"

Aaron chuckles before falling asleep, when he sleeps he snores very lightly. Spencer wonders if Aaron will be able to handle his snoring, from what he understands it's very loud. He shifts Aaron slightly so he can move his arm around his shoulders. 

Feeling perfectly content, Spencer leans back against the couch holding Aaron in his arms listening to his soft sleeping. He thinks about Aaron's past with his father but doesn't feel daunted by the work it'll take to reprogram Aaron's thought process. Aaron has spent his whole life hiding behind a mask of strength. 

Spencer can be strong for both of them.


End file.
